Yesterday, my head was spinning from all the worry, the change, the anxiety, the uncertainty the embarrassment and the fear.  Something reminded me to go outside, into the unknown, the unimpeded beauty of nature.

So I went to James Bay in Victoria and walked this beach.

Ocean crashing…

                        … waves set me free

                                                                          … I breathe.

It was magic.  The magic that flickered, the leaves in the trees and the breeze called to me.
[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/123632982″ params=”color=ff6600&auto_play=false&show_artwork=true” width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /] I could see past the words in my head, I could see magic all around me and when I would breathe, I felt my breath.  It lifted my gaze to the beauty of the sun, then I could feel it’s warmth on my skin. I could feel it cutting through the icy cold on my nose.  That tickle made me smile on the inside.  And it all changed my perception of things.

I realized that it is okay that I am not good with language, because I am amazing at sensing things.

Einstein said “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.” (Bunnell)

“Human sensing takes pace through observing, where language is not part of our awareness and presence.”  (Bunnell), and most of the “accidents” that I have I look back and my only explanation is that “I wasn’t thinking of it that way.”  It is not that I wasn’t thinking, but I did not perceive the incident from a linear perspective, I suppose.

Observing takes place as an operation in language that we can use to enchant our children with, to engage a love of learning. (Bunnell)

While walking by the sea, I was enchanted, as a child, and saw magic… nature unimpeded.  I became one with nature.  My steps matched the rhythm of the lapping of the waves on the shore.  When the breeze tickled my cheek I would inhale even deeper.  My thoughts drifted away with the pull of the tide, and my awareness extended across the horizon.

I came across a dead raccoon.

And right away I thought of the medicine of Raccoon.

Selflessness, Generous Protector

Raccoon… protector of the underdog,

Provider for those who have none.

Do you wear the bandit’s mask

To hide the good deeds that you’ve done

Teach me to turn away from

Rich rewards or worldly acclaim,

Knowing that my generosity allows

my warrior spirit to be reclaimed.  ~ Jamie Sams and David Carson

The medicine of the Raccoon teaches me SO much right now.  I am so lucky that I saw that poor little guy lying contrary on the beach, and yet I know it was a lesson that I am meant to glean something from.  Like the Chief, I need to learn to “Raccoon medicine people have the uncanny ability to assist others without allowing them to become victims or dependents.”

Unfortunately I feel that my language, my attempt to communicate blurted out what I didn’t want… which puts worries in other people’s mind, then they live by that awareness and react or respond in a way that Not toward what I want, but Away from what I want because of my mis-communication.

I love that a troupe of Raccoons will always feed the Guardian first… ” He is always fed first by the other raiders to honor his vigilance as the group’s protector.” (Sams, Carson)

Raccoon did show up for me yesterday, and is telling me “to look around and see who needs your strength at this time.” (Sams, Carson)

But how do I share my strengths in a way that leaves them empowered and not feeling like a charity case (exactly what I DON’T want!)

Boy do I need an attitude adjustment… instead of putting out there what I don’t want… what do I want??  I want a long-term committed loving relationship that I can love and be loved, paddle along side my partner and live happily ever after.  Is that too much to ask?

I am done with wallowing in self-pity.  Thank you to the dead Raccoon for waking me up and reminding me to do something nice for someone else… and in that, I am learning that I need to offer something that is what warms their heart… not what I think they need.

So in the festive realm of the holidays, How does one ask “what do you want for Christmas” without asking them “What do you want for Christmas?”  I don’t want to get anyone something that I want them to have, I want to get them what they truly want… HOW THE HECK DO YOU ASK??? WHAT IS THE ASK?

Thank you to the people who have helped me through this journey, who are interacting with my blog posts, inquiring how I am doing and holding space for me.  Thank you to those who listened on the phone, sat in the car with me and let me blurt my world out to them.  Thank you.  Thank you!