Who am I being that your eyes are not shining?

Who am I being that your eyes are not shining?

Just in the past couple of days I have watched the sparkle leave your face.  What have I done?  I do not want to live that way!

 Ben Zander’s TED TALK  has tickled my senses and I feel more aware:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9LCwI5iErE&w=560&h=315]

helped this concept hit home for me, and I am truly, madly and deeply working on this notion.

I have received direct feedback from a few people that I look up to, who I  admire and who mean a lot to me… I am showing up in a way that is overwhelming to them, or thoughtless, careless.  I have too many ideas, I am inviting people to do too many things, I am making plans, dreaming, being a visionary and thinking further than what is important right in front of me, in this moment… in this flow… I am a human doing, and not a human… being.  I need to…

“Put myself in your shoes.”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTCZi9AqmZs&w=420&h=315]

“Now I’m head over heals in the lost and found…

If you could put yourself in my shoes you’d have some sympathy

And if I could put myself in your shoes I’d walk right back to me.”

Starting a new relationship is a sensitive thing.  Any relationship.  Co-workers, employer, employee, friend, lover, partner, mate.  And to know, to really know that person, maybe one doesn’t need to plan or suggest, to organize or structure… so then how do I just be… why is this so foreign?

Okay universe, I am open to what ever I am meant to know… what is to know here?

I want to know you.

“Beloved I do not know you, beloved I do not know you

But I know you are beautiful

I know I desire your company

Beloved I do not know you

But I trust your touch in my soul

As I keep company in your beauty trusting your touch

I know you in love

Beloved, I know you in love.”

(Paraphrased from Bunnell, P. website: http://www.sympoetic.net/Cognition/knowledge.html)

I can’t stop thinking about the magical moment when I just played with you.  There was no plan.  There were no rules, but we did have a WAY of interacting, a structure of play.  We had a piano, a pen and paper, and you took my words and you painted a song with your fingers on the keyboard, then with gentle invitation we both decided to record in the moment before we had even completed the song.  THAT was magic… we were unimpeded, and it made time stand still.  That is the shine in your eye that I want more of.

[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/123632982″ params=”color=ff6600&auto_play=false&show_artwork=true” width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]

Then I think about how this all came to be… and I realize that this disconnect, this “dulling of the senses,” the thing that stole the shine from your eyes is, in part, the overwhelm of use of technology.  Texting, Google Hangouts, email, calling… I can’t see the light in your eyes… I don’t see you… I just think of you and send you WAY TOO MANY INVITES to things that are meaningless.  I need to slow down.  It is in the Slow Thinking of this very moment, that I inhale and smile thinking of you.

I am slowly learning that I need to slow my thinking.  Bunnell says “Slow thinking enables the molecular changes that go with learning…

and that new synapses, new configurations of connections.  In slow thinking we harmonize the intersections between many domains through multiple reverberations through the nervous system…

Thus dreaming and meditative, contemplative times are also a form of slow play, supporting slow thinking, and offering forth a quality and depth of “flavor.” Bunnell P.

Thank you for asking for space to… breathe.  Thank you for guiding me on this journey of self discovery!

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